victory; n. subst - a word of doubtful meaning...

Just when I was almost beginning to believe I really was anti-semitic and simply had it in for Israel, my self-belief is restored by that nice Mr Nasrullah opening his big fat gob and informing us that he and Hezbollah (spell it your favourite way, 'hesbullah', 'hisbollocks', 'horrible deaths for civilains' - it all reads the same from where I'm sitting, which, thankfully, is nowhere near the nutters) have scored a big fat 'victory'. You can't satirise that, so I won't try.

After several bad weeks for Israeli PR featuring the unfortunate murder of children (not sure how that happened) helpful comments by Israeli generals (shoulda got out of the war zone) and misunderstood policy (bomb that ambulance just in case) their stock rises every time Mr N speaks. Perhaps we could persuade both sides that the way to win whatever war they think they are in (presumably 'war for national survival while surrounded by loony foes' on one side and 'war to wipe out those murdering bastards who keep bombing our civilians' on the other) is to lie low, keep quiet and hope the world forgets just how rabid we all are. Another side effect of this radical policy would be that no innocent people get killed, spend their lives in bomb shelters etc. On second thoughts, perhaps we should keep quiet about that bit - not going to prove popular with either bunch of penis-waving warmongers; no matter how happy it would make those no longer being blown to buggery for no obvious reason.

Anyway, the boys in blue hats are there so all will be well. Sending the Bangladeshis for their usual stint of minefield clearing, giving the Ukrainians a load of sandbags to fortify command posts only to find they've sold them (happened in former Yugoslavia), Brits getting arrrested by local police in shakedowns for their choicer pieces of equipment - just the usual day-to-day fun and games for wearers of the blue helmet.

And while we're on the subject of bad PR, maybe Maureen Lipman might like to consider keeping her fat gob shut as well rather than vomiting some rather unpleasant opinions. She intimated that while she was shocked by the number of deaths, what did people expect Israel to do? ('Try acting like a mature democracy and not go around wreaking vengeance on a bunch of people who had nothing to do with Hezbollah', would be a start.)

And my admiration goes out to Miriam Margolyes who rebuked British Jews for being so biased as to ignore the murderous policy adopted in Lebanon and urged them to join the rest of the world's condemnation. It's not everyone who takes the easy way out and cries 'anti-semite' at the first whiff of criticism.

ceasefire; n.subst - a word of doubtful meaning...

The world breathes again as Israel declares itself in favour of a ceasefire.

A split second later, the world realises, on removing the collective earplugs that there is a familiar noise out in the street. Louder than the silence of the British government on such embarassing subjects as - ahem - people invading their neighbours; louder than the cacophony of clicks as viewers desert ITV in their millions (and to think they have just commissioned a radical new series of celebrity golf featuring Bruce Forsyth - memories of Edward I's invading army parading the mouldering corpse of their leader to terrify the Scots); louder even than the hypocrisy of Condi's 'peace mission' as she scolds: "You really can only kill a few more and then it's time for bed, kids."

Ah yes! it's the pounding feet of civilians running in terror, the thudding of incoming missiles on the hospital roof, the wail of parents watching their kids carried lifeless from ruined homes. The mayhem you'd associate with bombs, guns and things like that; the sort of thing you might describe as 'firing' - the sort of thing naive people could be forgiven thinking would cease when people declare themselves to be up for a 'ceasefire' (the clue's in the title).
And I don't suppose it'll get better before we stop selling weapons and start selling dictionaries.

But in the meantime, we can scream that killing the innocent is murder - murder whether they fall from burning tower blocks in New York, whether we bomb them in Baghdad or Beirut, whether Israelis, Lebanese, Americans, Brits, whether Christians, Muslims or Jews; capitalists, communists, or plain confused; whether we kill for God, for Allah, for truth, for lies, for life, love and the pursuit of liberty, for secure borders and the right not to have to bury our children.
It's all murder; and a ceasefire is the start of stopping it.

Unless you forget to cease.