and this doesn't strike you as odd?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Happy and Glorious

It seems today is the 'official' birthday of our beloved monarch - no idea why anyone would need her to have two (birthdays) or why we have one (monarch), but, hey, she's a reasonable enough old stick and a damn fine tool of the patriarchy - and, as I am one too, (tool of patriarchy as opposed to reasonable old stick/queen) it would be a tad rough to call her on this. Enough guff - a point follows...
The Cabinet gave her a Spode teaset for her birthday.
Some questions occur to me:
1) Why the cabinet? Not the government, not the PLP, not the Prime Minister in private or official capacity, not the House of Commons, not her loyal parliament.
2) How did they know she wanted a tea-set rather than, let's say... a Vespa, a picture of her favourite corgi hang-gliding, a scale model of Ottawa, a nice selection of biscuits (maybe even specially-commissioned with choccy hob nobs, boasters or the ones I think I saw once with a layer of cadbury's caramel (may have made those up?) - any of the ones you pick up in the supermarket, think 'they look nice' then realise they're twice the price of saffron), a collector's edition of every set of Top Trumps ever made, a dozen golf balls or her grandchild's school photo in a gold frame - but hers would really be gold. Anyway...
3) Has she not got a tea set? Didn't the Sultan of Brunei give her something in Lapis Lazuli for her golden jubilee - maybe one of the cups got chipped and she hates to use a set without all the bits - but it isn't too expensive to get individual pieces replaced and even if it was a hard set to find, she could say 'I'm the Queen - do it'.
4) What was the conversation over breakfast?

Liz: Hmmm [sighs]?
Phil: What is it, love?
Liz: This cup...
Phil: What's wrong with it?
Liz: Nothing. It's just a bit ... yaknow...
Phil: Tired?
Liz: Exactly!
Phil: I could get out that 'World's Greatest Mum-in-Law' mug from Diana?
Liz: @***! [Splutters incoherently].
Phil: What about that one in Lapis Lazuli...
Liz: Vulgar!
Phil: Fair do's. Nice chap, though.
Liz: Nothing personal.

They fall silent.

Phil: Hang on! It's yer birthday in a few weeks...
Liz: It's already been, Philip for goodness sake!
Phil: No, you daft old tool of the patriarchy - the other one!
Liz: My God, Philip, that's brilliant!
Phil: Somebody get that oik Blair out of the Yank's arse and tell him you need a new teaset!
Liz: Nothing vulgar.
Phil: Spode?
Liz: Have a hobnob, darling.

Rumour has it the shadow cabinet have given her a pair of converse allstars and a gram of coke.


  • At 1:43 AM, Blogger witchy-woo said…


    Well at least she had a nice birthday lunch...Irish smoked salmon followed by Welsh turbot with oxtail (oxtail and turbot?? ew. But it worked, apparently) followed by Scottish venison and Geordie custard tart for pud.

    I know this because I saw it on the telly - and poor Jennie Bond, who'd nurtured all those quivering cooks through the heats and the competition for weeks beforehand, only had a sandwich, apparently.

    Maybe she'd already found the gram of coke stashed in the cistern of the Mansion House ladies and been to throw a few hoops to work up an appetite....

    Incidentally, no-one needs two birthdays. Queenie just has two because she can. I mean, wouldn't you?

  • At 11:50 PM, Blogger Kingcod said…

    Speaking of presents I was reading of the stuff George Bush has been given, including a whip and a sniper rifle. I got some slippers for my last birthday, which I had to buy myself, 4 months later, for some reason.

  • At 10:24 PM, Blogger Violet Socks said…

    What? No comments from the hordes of transatlantic visitors I've sent your way? They must be shy.

    Actually no one has commented on my own post about the Queen's tea set. My troglodyte American readers are too obssessed with changing the world and have no grasp of the finer things.

  • At 2:38 AM, Blogger witchy-woo said…

    heh Violet. Shy Merkins?

    I don't think so!


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